Things you shouldn’t hear before having sex.
- “If you don’t, somebody else will”
- “Stop acting like a baby”
- “Are we gonna do this or what?”
All of the above were not said to me by a grimy teenager. He was a narcissistic man-child. And I was older than him. Which made it worse since I gave in any way. School and work were stressing me. I was mostly disconnected from my friends back home. I was a little lonely. I was weak.
I wanted to crawl inside myself the moment it began. I didn’t have to suffer the incident long. It was very quick. Allow me this obligatory chuckle. Universal payback, maybe?
Never happened again. However it took me a very long time to forgive myself for allowing him to talk to me that way and for giving myself to him. That’s just not me. I’m the first to tell a guy to step off, find someone else to play with, grow up and stop using weak ass high school pick-up lines. It’s like I took a million steps back to zero. Back to the minefield of dating for the first time. Back to not loving myself enough to stand up for my right to be respected.
After forgiving him, I reached the proverbial moment-of-truth. I know what to look out for. If I’m feeling a certain way, experiencing certain stress, I’m more vulnerable. As long as I can identify these things, I’m less likely to allow a snafu like that to occur again.
We went to the same school. So avoiding him was next to impossible. Since I also worked there, I had to maintain a certain level of decorum. I was polite but not friendly. Naturally he took offense. Guess I was supposed to hold my head down in shame or solicit him in attempts to recapture a night I’d like to forget. Funny enough, he always asked me if I thought I was better than him. I used to brush him off with a wave of my hand. To this day he still asks me that.
Only recently, when confronted in the grocery store, did I snap back, ‘yes, yes I do!’ I didn’t feel good about that but our encounter was more than four years ago. He didn’t take a liking to my retort. Actually for my benefit, he had the perfect response. He was damned near speechless. All he could do was point his finger at me, nod his head in that I got your number kinda way, and say, “yeah OK, alright” as he walked backwards away from me. I laughed so hard I could have cried. Like c’mon dude! You mean to tell me you still have that chip on your shoulder because I didn’t chase you? I never called you? Never wanted to “have fun” with you again? Oh I hate that term because fun was not had by me.
I knew from our initial conversations that he wasn’t used to the word “no”. He certainly wasn’t used to a woman who wasn’t impressed by his clothes or his ego. Yet, I fell prey to it despite my instincts which shouted ‘he’s trouble’ with pink neon signs blinking for emphasis. But like I said, I know better now.
Today, if faced with the events of that night, I would have opened the front door, let the cold autumn air rouse him from his megalomania induced harassment, waved my hand for him to get up outta my house, and suggest he find those somebodies who were eager to take my place. And when he asked, which he would since it was his mantra, “you think you’re too good for me?” I would say, ‘no, we’re just not good for each other’. ‘You should really consider why you have such a low view of yourself’. Then I’d slam the door on his trifling behind and get back to my homework.