More Than A Dream: Living For Peace

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Admittedly, I usually look outside myself for peace. I could use more money to do the things I need and want to do. It would be great if the walls in the apartment weren’t so thin I can hear my neighbors yawn. A new home in a different city would be more desirable. Seeing people treat each other with more love, compassion, and respect would be a major boost to the overall wellbeing of the planet.

However, I’ve found that before any external changes can have any effect in my life I have to, as John Mayer said, “set my heart right”.

Like so many others, I’ve had my share of bad relationships. I’ve had family, friends, and associates hurt me in ways no one should have to deal with. I’ve also been molested.

I’m not soliciting pity, not at all. To some that know me on the other side of the computer screen, this is not news. For my readers it’s a window into who I am. I know I don’t say too much about my personal life. But when I do write about it I’m honest.

And here might be the strange part of why I seek peace from the inside out. I spend a lot of time reflecting on my thoughts and what leads me to the decisions I make. A long time ago, I noticed an odd pattern about some of the men I’m attracted to. I thought nothing of it until I came across a picture of the boy who took advantage of me. My mom still has old photos of many neighbors who visited the house I grew up in. Also his mother used to babysit me (more like she left me alone with her children while she was God knows where).

It was decades since I’d seen that photo. A fuzzy (not of the warm kind) sensation took over my brain. I just kept staring at him. I’d forgotten the details of his appearance. Then I had the feeling I did when I saw the movie Alien when I was a kid. I used to have nightmares about the creature. For so long I thought I imagined it. But there was H.R. Giger’s creation in all its terrifying glory reminding me I was not that inventive. Later I found out my parents took me to see it (hence the years of night terrors). Who takes a five year old to see that?

So there I was holding a reminder of a time I’d rather disregard. It didn’t take too long for me to see the correlation between many of the men I’ve been drawn to and that boy. It made me kinda sick. After I put the photos away I zoned off for a while, got lost in music and writing. It’s what I usually do when I need to excavate my psyche.

I guess I’m happy the universe made it easier to deal with this twisted desire by (as of this writing) not allowing me to have had any physical contact with men that look like him. I always thought it was more than the ‘men like that don’t like women like me’ mentality I fall back on to ease rejection.

I see this has been a very self-indulgent way of answering the peace challenge…But I’m getting to it.

I’ve had “peaceful” days. Even when my world wasn’t the rosiest, I’ve relaxed into just being. My peaceful world would be in my reaction to any cringe worthy memories that come up. This goes beyond the abuse. I’ve meditated, prayed, studied, gone to therapy, and all that jazz. I know it takes work and I’m willing to do it. I’m writing this after all! I need to acknowledge a disturbing event with acceptance that it happened and there is no do-over. If there’s a lesson to learn, I want to get it and not repeat it. I gotta let go of this anger. And I need to forgive. God, do I ever need to forgive! That’s probably the toughest battle I face.

I think I’ve clung to my rage more than it has to me. I’ve nursed it and all I ever reaped was more anger, more disgust with myself for losing control, and the realization that I’d have to start from square one when the dust settled. So I look forward to reconciling with my past. I still believe there is a reason for my existence though I have no concrete evidence. While I’m still here, I want to practice the art of the peaceful warrior. ‘Cause make no mistake, there is a battle waging. It’s just that it’s usually with myself.

Featured and main post image © Glorious Mettle

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9 out of 10 doctors recommend you get your Peace on. OK it’s probably like 10 out of 10. So come get some. 

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21 thoughts on “More Than A Dream: Living For Peace

  1. When I find myself struggling with past trauma I close my eyes and take a deep breath and think “I am okay now, in this moment everything is okay.” It is amazing how fast anxiety leaves me with that awareness. I become aware of the present, the safe/sancuary-like home I have created, and I feel safe/secure and at peace again. I recognize these are ghosts of the past haunting me, and they need not have any control over me again. Thank you for sharing, peace to you!

  2. Glorious, I am so sorry you have had to go through these traumas. We all do have troubled times, for sure. One of my best friends is a Holocaust survivor, and she still struggles with so many ghosts, and she is over 75 now. Some things never go away. My post yesterday shared some of my past, but I was fortunate. When my father passed away, so did the anger. I told my mom, “He can’t hurt me any more.” That was twenty-three years ago. I wish there was some way for the hurt and anger inside of you to die. It still doesn’t make things right, but at least it didn’t continue to build new pain. God bless you, and I do wish and pray for the gift of peace for your heart.

    1. Wow, thank you Marsha for that. I thought maybe I shouldn’t have published that post but when I went to write it the words were kinda effortless. Unfortunately, well maybe I shouldn’t say the incident caused more pain but it has played a role in subsequent events in my life. I’m getting better at noticing the warning signs when I regress to the sacred little girl playing the role of the well behaved child.
      Thank god for my creative outlets though. Sometimes they are life savers. And until the “right one” comes along, it’s up to me to make the monsters go away. Although I know it’s my responsibility to nurture my spirit, but you get what I’m saying.
      Interesting but this year also marks 23 years since my father passed as well…We didn’t have such a great relationship but I do kinda miss him.

      1. It’s always hard to publish a revealing piece. But yours is not whiny or complaining. It’s just revealing. When you make yourself vulnerable, I think you actually become less vulnerable because it’s out in the open. Once it’s out, it doesn’t fester so much, and the healing begins.

      2. I agree. When I hit publish I thought I’d panic but this sense of calm happened and I was able to walk away from the computer. It will be interesting to see how I react to certain things as time progresses.

      3. I think it gets easier. I listened to a psychiatrist talking about the young gal that was held hostage for 10 years who was interviewed by Dr. Phil. She wasn’t a proponent to opening up to the world, but better to open up to just a doctor. I don’t know. I’ve done both, and I find the internet pretty healing, but it doesn’t reach the audience that the TV does, and I didn’t have notoriety before I started sharing my life. It seems like we have a friendly audience on the internet. If someone doesn’t enjoy my blog, they don’t have to read it.

      4. I feel that way too about our the community I’ve bee apart of on WP. Most people are understanding and supportive. I guess people feel more of a connection to someone when they can see themselves in another person’s experiences.I get it.

      5. Yes! The psychiatrist said that other people might be helped from this woman’s experience, but she didn’t know if it was therapeutic for the woman herself to be sharing her entire story with the world. Sometimes I have complained about the same thing over and over again to my friends, one after the other, but didn’t really get help for an issue, and the issue never really got resolved, in spite of all my sharing. When I did share it with a counselor, the issue cleared up almost immediately.

      6. I think the issue with the woman sharing her story could go either way. Sometimes talking to a professional first makes it easier to share with others.
        As for your situation, I’ve seen that happen many times. I’ve gone through it myself. An objective ear can be the defining factor in solving a long standing problem. It also helps to be open to it though.

      7. I guess it depends on the person. I’m a pretty open person. I actually have a harder time being private. I almost need to caution myself, and say, TMI, Marsha, TMI, shut your mouth! 🙂

      8. I’ve had a few days of TMI moments when I was catching up with my cousin. We don’t get to see each other too much and I was like a floodgate when I started talking about things going on :/

  3. This is such a courageous and powerful post for peace, GM. I have a feeling that this post will bring peace to you as well as others who read it. Thank you so much for being vulnerable for peace. I believe that in order to have true peace we need to be completely authentic and honest with each other. You set the bar here, and I appreciate it. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

    1. Kozo, thank you. Your challenge prompted me to face some uncomfortable truths. I didn’t know where the post would lead. I just started writing. If it helps anyone at all, it’s a bonus. I’m very humbled by your words. ♥

  4. I didn’t realize this post was from so long ago until after I “liked” it. I hope this notification at least gives you a chance to look back at wherever you were a couple of years ago and smile knowing how much you have gotten through since then. That is the greatest treasure with writing for self and others- our words have the ability to impact people (and our future selves!) even after we record them.

    1. Thank you for those kind words. I reread the post because I didn’t remember what I wrote. Funny thing is although I have overcome some things since that writing, oh boy do I have more to flesh out. Lol but that is the writer’s life right? When there’s nothing left to say, times up I guess?

      It’s good to know that the piece is still working some magic and reached you.

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