I confess. During this peace walk, I appeared contented and blissful. However its covered up this side road of bitterness in my heart with family occupying almost every inch of it. For that reason, I knew this challenge would take me a long time to get to. It wasn’t necessarily out of avoidance. I think I had one more incident to deal with or rather instigate before I had juicy material to work with.
Basically, I went in a little far on my issues with family to another family member. This person is as close as a brother to me and we’ve talked candidly before about our mutual grievances towards kin. Maybe because I haven’t seen him in a year and I missed the closeness we shared but more likely because of my familial clashes, I told him about things that happened since and before our grandmother died 2 years ago. I think he was a tad overwhelmed. If I didn’t live so close to the “action”, I’d be in the dark as well.
I probably gave him more information than he ever cared to know. I get that. I think the incident involving myself and someone very close to him set him off. He wondered why the person never told him about the exchange. I responded by posing who in their right mind is going to report to someone about their bad behavior? Well exclude me, you know on account of me being a bit off and all. What I don’t get is his disappearing act after we spent an entire day hanging out and this is after I debriefed him on family drama.
I called him, feeling like I might have said waaaaaaay too much. I left apologetic messages…No response. You know how maddening that was?! Oh but thank goodness for Facebook. It’s apparently the way people let you know how they really feel about you. I’ll leave it at that. For all I know I’m jumping to conclusions, again.
You’re probably wondering where the peace comes in to this shindig. To be quite honest, I’m looking for it myself. See, I don’t think I have a pretty bow of amnesty to wrap this up. What I do have is a revelation. I’ll remain a prisoner to my vexations unless I release hurt feelings attached to friends, lovers, would-be loves, and strangers. But the family thing is A #1 on my list because it is my deepest wound. I want to forgive because I am so tired of being angry. It’s exhausting. They ‘ain’t thinking about me like that. They’re living their lives while I relive the inglorious past.
I have to master the art of loving the people I allowed to hurt me. No need for fakery or coldness. But I do have to let go and acknowledge my participation. Negative behavior is a mirror. I have to see that which I don’t wish to partake in. I don’t have to dance around the bonfire of hatred and assumptions brought on by lack of proper communication. And for the love of cold noses on puppies, I must check in with my true intentions before running my mouth for the sake of being heard. Otherwise, I’m no different from my so-called oppressors.
I don’t mind walking into the darkness of ‘I want to forgive but I’m not quite there yet’. I don’t need the other party’s involvement to complete my mission. Ahh, yes ladies and gentleman, it’s important to not put anyone other than yourself in charge of how you react to a situation. I obviously learned this the hard way. Forgiveness will come. The storm took a while to gather. So I don’t expect instant healing. As I forgive myself first and look at my thoughts and my heart, bridges get repaired. Then I can extend graciousness to former adversaries. I’m not saying there will be any riding off into the sunset. But I think I can manage a quiet stroll through the park.
9 out of 10 doctors recommend you get your Peace on. OK it’s probably like 10 out of 10. So come get some.