You know what they say about quiet people…we got issues.
I had a blog for about two years before I released a post publicly. I write a lot offline and noticed I censor myself even there. Like, I’m writing for me! What am I afraid to admit to myself?
I compartmentalized different aspects of my personality for years and that left me with gaps of time. Nothing major like days or weeks; more like moments here and there. For example, I’ll swear I wasn’t told something. When it gets repeated back to me the tape in my head starts playing the previous conversation.
I believe that’s called running on auto-pilot.
It’s random, for the most part I have a pretty good memory. Yeah I’m full of contradictions. Honestly I really feel like Jekyll and Hyde most days. And this year the two have come to blows. I just want everybody to get along. I know how it sounds but this is me working on not caring how weird I sound.
How am I doing so far?
sometimes i feel like this
I was crafty when I balanced me + who the infamous they believed I was + who I thought I was supposed to be. It was a tiresome racket trying to project multiple images with fragments of me in them. Meanwhile I wasn’t very happy with the person I morphed into.
It’s when you hide things that you choke on them.
– Charles Bukowski
There’s the me that watches as I go left when I should go right. She waits patiently for me to stop wrestling with my demons and instead acknowledge them; use their strengths to fortify my weaknesses. She stares me down until I accept what is instead of clinging to what isn’t.
When I look in the mirror, when I’m not simply looking at parts to fix but really seeing myself; sometimes I feel closer to that person who’s waiting. It’s because of her I share these things with you and don’t live in fear of the words. Those eyes understand my darkness is the perfect canvas for the constellation my piece-parts form when I let them come together. I’ve always been loving, cautious, vulnerable, uninhibited, and flawed. Someone once told me I was doing the world a great disservice by not allowing my true self to emerge. So I live to be the best possible version of that mix; at ease with my complexity.
This song by Sia…Despite it being about a woman drinking to forget her problems, it brings freedom so pure I cry tears of joy. I’ve been there though. Numbed my pain with liquid therapy. I thought it was my last resort to get through whatever I battled. I haven’t visited that place in some years. But sometimes I want to. In the meantime, I hit repeat on tracks like this and get my release from dancing like no one is watching and singing as high as my neighbors can stand it. But usually I’m lip-syncing for my life. 1 2 3…this is me.
>>This post is courtesy of the reflective prompts at B4Peace<<
Do yourself a flavor and get you some nice juicy PEACE. Your heart will thank you for it.